Although it’s been almost 5-years since I last saw my sister, spoke to her, smelled her perfume, embraced her … she dominated my thoughts one day this past week.  I couldn’t shake ‘her’ despite I tried considering the amount of time it’s taken me to let go knowing once that first tear fell a river would then awaken.  Yet, she ‘stayed’ there in my thoughts.   As to distract my thoughts I began to search the internet for something, ANYTHING, that would ‘stop that flow’ for I’ve cried so long now.

I searched ‘patios’.

I searched old friends.

I searched about raising our newly adopted puppy.

I searched news, celebrity gossip … read my emails, played my online games, commented on posts, wished friends happy birthday yet there she was, STILL in my thoughts, nagging at me.

So, then, out-of-the-blue I search her love … a man who she deeply loved until the last breath she took.

This man was just a boy when they fell-in-love and her a woman.  He hadn’t had the best life; struggled living on the streets despite he was still of a VERY young age.  Sadly, over the years life hardened him and a troubled man he became.  Their relationship wasn’t the epitome of poster perfect relations but she loved him with all of her being!  Then, one day, as life usually dictates, they parted ways for trouble had found him again.  For the next few years, over a thousand miles then separated them; without her to compass him, trouble found him and he was given time for his repeated petty crimes and slowly they stopped communicating.

Even more years passed by but slowly they became long-distanced pen pals.  She kept telling everyone how much they still cared for each other and how he was going to return when he could to marry her.  Many, including myself, shook their head in disbelief wondering why she held-on to such an unpromising future with such a trouble man.  I remember it wasn’t often she’d receive communication from him but when she did, she’d carry his letter with her until the folds were torn and a print-out of his face in her wallet.

Repeatedly she told us he was coming for her.

As before, we shook our heads as my sister was living in her imagination.

But even that stopped on July 6, 2007 … she was gone!

I remember the day she died as I was sitting in shock atop her car awaiting the coroner, of all the thoughts that ran through my head that day he came to my mind.  One included how do you tell a troubled person as he such a tragic tale when that person was trying to reform, to find some sort of good in life … a life that had beaten him down was all he’d ever known.  So, I didn’t write that day.  Nor did I write the next week … month … and year.  I asked others to write in my stead yet it never happened.  It’s not as if he could write her, shortly after her death her home was gone, literally.  So I let it lie for in an odd way, I envied him.  He was living thinking she was waiting for him … she was alive in someone … what a wonderful feeling that was – SHE WAS ALIVE!  So why write?  Why tell and sadden another?  For what reason?  She’s NEVER coming back!  So although I had things put away to share with him, they were never sent.

Time passed …

Years passed …

Although I checked on him periodically during that time, those actions grew more infrequent.  Selfishly, trying to ‘let my sister go’ and ‘move on’ were dominating my thoughts — my health needed the respite, I’d suffered tremendously enough already.

But, the now ‘stronger’ me searched to this past week to find he’d been released!  I sighed.  I remember when I closed-out that webpage for the last time this past week, I spoke a prayer for him.  I asked for God to reach-out and help this now grown man who I knew one day soon would search and find she’d passed-on … hoping he wouldn’t resent us for not writing … hoping he’d understand the reasons why for nothing was bringing her back to us and in my heart I knew that his unknowing meant within him she still was alive.

It wasn’t but a bit later my mother’s phone rang early in the morning.  My sister’s daughter answered it.  The phone is listed under my brother’s name so when she answered a ‘stranger’ introduced himself as “an old family friend”.  The elementary-aged child he remembered was now the woman he spoke to.  In tears she told him how her mother had died.

Although my sister no longer is alive in his heart, the love for her is and that whimsical dreamer we thought she to be died.

For, HE CAME LOOKING FOR HER; just as she knew he would!

I hope he forgives us for not writing; and, he holds dearly the few memories I DO have stored away in his honor!

And, I hope SHE forgives US for not believing in her!

Color all this coincidence if you’d like; but, I know that day my sister returned to whisper her name in both our ears!

Hugs …

Mellen

It’s very scary how so many people can be two ENTIRELY different people when need be! I simply NEVER want to be a friend like that, fake!!!! I know I’m FAR from perfect & not always there for everyone when they need me BUT I am there in my heart with GOOD reason why I may be ‘absent’ so that excuse I understand. What I’ll NEVER get is how people hurt others with no remorse and LIKE who they see in the mirror. Plus, after years of MY being a doormat I’ve promised myself I’d NEVER allow ANYONE to wipe their feet upon me again … yet I did again this past week. Shame on you, shame on me! No worries though for now my heart is hardened so it will NOT happen again! Your footprints on me and all, I’m moving forward just with the REALITY that NO relationship is meant to last a lifetime aside from the one we share with our Lord.

Also, I’m beginning to believe that there such a RARE number of people out there who love others more than they do themselves!!!! Tis a sad place this planet we live on because of such people. No matter how much church you attend, or the front you put out there for others to see, you are your actions! I know the truthS that’s hidden within you yet never said a word nor passed ANY kind of judgment upon you! Sometimes some people simply need a hug from a friend yet would never ask for one … why? … because a TRUE friend just knows and tis how I discover who those TRUE friends are!

So now with this written and off my chest, I’m wanting to close with a hope … a hope that Karma isn’t too hard on ya especially when you PURPOSELY hurt someone who did GREAT things for you & your family when NO ONE ELSE would. Tis your bed made your way, I cannot feel sorry for you (anymore) when Karma does come a’knockin’! I’m terrible at forgiving … unable to forget … so give-up on that … I’m moving-on alone as with friends like you I need no enemies and would rather be alone; wishing you, and all those involved, no ill will! Have a great life.

Mellen

Mellen - new & improved (3/2012)

Hugs & happy hunting …

Mellen

Initially, she was moved to a short-term rehab center TO LEARN TO WALK from another stress fracture of the spine but was up walking all night so they moved her to the NURSING HOME area. (hello, no sense here … IF she was walking, SEND HER HOME!)

She’s granting me POA very soon as my NOT being hers almost held me back because I almost had to resort to my Plan B: roll-over mom, I’m crawling into bed with you and NOT leaving NOR eating until you get released!

Despite this insanity started 2-weeks-ago-today-yet-it-seems-like-this-has-been-MONTHS-long while she *lost* her mind which immediately started to come back to us when we got her into my truck and FLEW home with her! PROOF: they were doping her up with hopes she would lose her mind … who else gives a woman who’s in for WALKING rehab a bag of PlayDough, hand stamps from the $1 store, coloring utensils and a coloring book? still SICKENS ME! STILL makes me sick remember I walked in and saw my mom had been moved from a PRIVATE suite to a ‘hole’; my precious-wonderful-loving-SMART mom was lying only 1′ off the floor on a rubber cot with the tv on mute no tv remote for her to use, her water pitcher yet no cup given was literally 5′ away from her so she was dying of thirst, oh & her the light was off and the buzzer to call the nurse wasn’t clipped onto her, it was put-up HIGH so she couldn’t reach it! Yet after my reminding them of these BLANTANT offenses against my mom, they had the nerve & REFUSED to release her to us out of fear she’d be mistreated?! again, remember NO ONE SIGNED ANY PAPERS WITH THIS FACILITY IN ANY WAY NOR AT ANY TIME]! So they DEMANDED we be ‘scrutinized’ too and sent-over an in-home nurse to check on mom the next day who stayed over 2-hours with us, checked the house & mom out and we cleared with FLYING COLORS; seems tis a miracle, mom had ALREADY made HUGE mental strides – d’uh, the idiots! (btw, wanted to add I just talked with my mom and today she’s asking to balance her checkbook — Playdough & handstamps my ass!). Anyway, the nurse believes home IS the best for my mom so she’s arranging occupational & rehabilitation (& nurse) therapist visits 1 time a week for at least a month; as well as I asked for a pastor to stop-by weekly as well … mom’s still a LONG way to go from the grief she’s been enduring for TOO long now (wanted her add her only living-sibling was just diagnosed with lung cancer – she’s once again devastated!).

**let me add they let her fall at the nursing home one late night & yes, I’ve PICTURES of the HUGE red bruise on her back**

Since we’ve gotten her home, she’s now able to go to the restroom independently, make her bed (best she can), and is changing those tv channels remembering which were her fav shows, and with assistance in & out took a shower by herself! :)

She’s not totally ‘over’ all this yet and some med tweaking is taking place — for sure, she’ll be on in-home oxygen within the week. (for Mommy’s Day I’ve been buying her those nico patches yet with this mental clarity is coming cig cravings — have my fingers crossed my quoting how much $$$$$ she’s saved so far will be the sealer for her quitting!) *stay tuned*

Just wanted to quickly update my readers about my mom and thank ALL who sent us good things mentally, spiritually … we couldn’t have done this without everyone’s help! NEVER IN MY DREAMS DID I THINK WALKING-IN TO AN ER TO GET AN X-RAY WOULD WIND-UP WITH MY MOM IN A [MENTAL] NURSING HOME! Unless it’s life or death, I’m NEVER taking my mom back to an ER again! Take heed in our lesson; beware & be aware with YOUR parents! DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! If it HAS to, constantly, I mean CONSTANTLY demand to know the meds given and don’t be shy to tell them “NO MORE and we MEAN it!”! Because she WALKED into the ER yet was taken-out a WEEK later on a stretcher … now that’s healing for ya! *gag*

*HAVE U HUGGED YOUR LOVED ONES TODAY?*

Hugs …

Mellen

P.S.: I have a VERY short video of my mom from yesterday afternoon I’d like to share here as well … let me get a hold of my Webmaster for guidance. :) Stay tuned!

It’s a very painful long story that would take me a while to recap here but I want to insert that I disbelieve that’s where she should be BUT with my being ALL alone, I haven’t ANYONE here in person to help guide me through all this (or to bring her home and help tend to her here). Wishin’ God would shower us with some money so that I can quit work, bring her home, and take care of her HERE! I simply do not trust nursing homes … esp with my VERY SWEET yet IMPATIENT mom! *tears*

I’m a basketcase … so ya might wanna add me to that prayer chain. Not holding-up very well! (not to imply vanity, I’m simply SCARED to death right now and miss everyone so!)

“GOD, PLEASE HEAR OUR PRAYERS! Please stop having so much faith in me … please!”

Thank you all!

And please remember …

HUG YOUR LOVED ONES DAILY!

Mellen

P.S.: And I’ve come to HATE my late-brother! DESPISE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!